So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
