So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
i black out too much to be "responsible"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
