That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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