Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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