Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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