ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
