Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
