i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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