Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Randomize
