The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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