Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
