A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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