I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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