also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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