If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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