I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
no, he came in my armpit
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
not ubering you a puppy
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
