My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
