I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
