haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
