I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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