before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
