just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
