I hope mine doesn't look like that
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
