Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
