my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The air was thick with penises
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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