They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My ATM looks so different sober.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
