need another drink. this is the easiest way
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
