Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
