I just saw a hot homeless man
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
