Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Randomize
