I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
