I have demons in me.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
