Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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