I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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