im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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