I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
