Please, let me fuck your mom
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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