if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
