Your mouth is God's brothel.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
