Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
