I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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