You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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