god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
