u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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