I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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