im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I love having hate sex.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
