mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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