someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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