Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
