I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
