i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
