He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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